I feel like I'm in transition.

I got back from a youth conference in Anaheim a few days ago, and I've been mulling over all that God stirred in my heart while we were there. It was an emotional trip, I must say.

Sadly, Pastor Carol passed away while we were away after her battle with brain cancer. At first I was just in shock... it still hasn't totally sunk in. Our church is pretty large, so in the short time I've been going there, I didn't get the chance to spend a ton of one-on-one time with her... but even so, I felt like I knew her really well. She wore her heart and all of who she was on her sleeve. She was one of the warmest and most caring people I have ever known. She was truly beautiful, and radiant with a kind of love that can only come from God. We are all going to miss her very much...

I was thinking about her last night as I listened to Kendall Payne's song "The Moon"...

"The moon's worn thin
Succumbed to the pressure
Her silver dress
Hangs in the sky like a rag

Her coat, her cloak
Her cover of darkness
It fails to hide
The tears that she's cried
Oh she cries...

But she still shines
Though the night fall around her
And by her light
I find my way
When I fear the path laid before me
I look to the light of her face...

And thank her for being so brave..."

It strikes me how brave Carol truly was in facing her illness. How she gracefully accepted God's will and purpose for her life inspires me to do the same, even though it's terrifying and exciting and unpredictable and humbling and all of the things that are truly good in this life. And, through the sadness that everyone in our church is feeling right now, there is no denying that God is good. In the words of C.S. Lewis... no, he's not safe: but he is good.

DAISY

Daisy give yourself away
Look up at the rain, the beautiful display of power and surrender
Giving us today when she gives herself away
Rain, another rainy day
Comes up from the ocean, to give herself away
She comes down easy on rich and debt the same when
she gives herself away
Let it go, daisy let it go
Open up your fist...this fallen world
Doesn't hold your interest, it doesn't hold your soul
Daisy let it go
Pain, give yourself a name, call yourself contrition, avarice or shame
Giving isn't easy, neither is the rain and she gives herself away
Daisy why another day, why another sunrise, who will take the blame
For all redemptive motion and every rainy day

He gives himself away

Let it go, daisy let it go
Let it go...

Written by Jonathan Foreman

(c) 2005 Meadowgreen Music Company and Sugar Pete Songs

Hmm....

So, wow. I haven't blogged in a very, very long time. School's almost done, now, and I should be studying... but something distracted me. This is the story of my life, people. Actually, I did study for a bit... I went outside on our deck and sat in the sun and re-read Paradise Lost (which is awesome, by the way. I would definitely recommend it). My dog and I were the only ones home, so he came outside with me and relaxed on his little blanket for a while.

I saw Paris Hilton's debut video last night for 'Stars are Blind'. It made me shake my head (no, not like rocking out... shaking as in disgust). I will try to be nice when I say this... I have absolutely no respect for her whatsoever. I don't think anybody in their right mind does. It's people like her who influence young women to exercise the 'my body is here for you to ogle at' mindset. I've been there before, and let me tell you, it only messes you up. The majority of young girls see Paris flaunting her stuff on TV and think that acting like she does is the only way to get attention from boys... and the sad part is, that is true most of the time. Boys have given in to the media frenzy and have become sex-craving individuals. Our society is spinning out of control, man. We need more people of influence to stand up and say, "Hey, this isn't healthy, and its not okay."
If Paris Hilton really wanted people to take her seriously, she would not have made her first video the way it is. I don't understand why she isn't humiliated all the time. She could have made an intelligent, clever video and changed people's perception of her... because I know that deep down inside, underneath her reputation and all that crap, she truly is smart and witty and all the things that makes someone beautiful on the inside. God wouldn't make someone to just sit and look pretty. He doesn't make junk.
Honestly, I think that people like Paris Hilton are just really, really lonely. Why is it that we search to fill our emptiness with things like that...sex, money, clothes, possessions... over and over again... only to find that none of that ever works? It's like we're frantically trying to prove to everyone else that we're worthy of affection and love. When did our worth begin to rely on the things that we own...what we look like...who we associate with?
The truth is that we are lonely, empty people and don't know where to look for true fulfillment and love. Our worth can only be found as we look into the eyes of our Maker...

"The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual Star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men."

(T.S. Eliot's The Hollow Men, lines 52-67)

green like moss
won't stop growing
like poison ivy
winding, burning
spent too much time looking,
looking left, looking right

i'm stuck
can't find the way
that's meant for me
and only me
i am tangled up
coloured by
covered up in envy

should've known
chasing another road
should've been
tending my own

now i can't see the great big path for these petty wings

"envy" (c) jaylene johnson 2003